Rating: Teen (PG-13)
Warning: none, really
Word Count: 1285
Feedback: Please, please, please
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me; all belongs to Russell T. Davies and anybody else who actually makes money off this stuff - certainly not me.
Setting: Sometime between Small Worlds and Countrycide
Summary: My version of their first kiss; Ianto's POV
X-posted on torchwood_fic
A/N: I've been writing fanfic for awhile but this is my first venture into the Torchwood fandom. Hope you all enjoy. Please let me know if you like?
Special thanks to my beta electrcspacegrl.
And apologies to Kelly for stealing her original user name for the title of this fic.
I was staying at the Hub later and later each night. I knew that he noticed, but neither of us mentioned it. It was the touch that did it. That light touch on my shoulder. When he placed his hand there, a spark lit through me. I was warmer than I remembered being in a very long time. And after several long moments, when he finally dropped his hand, the warmth was still there. The electricity was still sparkling. My body was pulsing and I feared that he could hear it. Feel it, even though he wasn’t touching me anymore.
Ever since then, I’ve been finding any excuse to be near him. I stand too close when I’m serving coffee. I let my fingers scrape his when he hands me a file. I stay later and later each night. And I feel like a fool.
I know I’m betraying Lisa’s memory by doing this. A part of me isn’t convinced that it was the Cybermen that killed her. So what kind of person am I? Who am I if I’m attracted to the man who ended her life? Who’s the monster in this scenario? Lisa? Jack? Me? Is it the monster in me that is pulled toward the monster in Jack?
But these are questions I ask myself during the day. At night, as I’m lying in bed, I rest my palm on my bare chest and can feel Jack’s warmth course through my body. I don’t hate him at those times. And I hate myself a little less.
In the evenings, when we are the only two left in the Hub, I don’t spend too much time around him. I putter around and tidy up and file and reorganize. I know where he is at all times, but I don’t go to him. Eventually I’ll stand at his office door and say, “If there is nothing else you need tonight, sir, I’ll be off.”
And he’ll respond, “All’s good here, Ianto. Have a good night.”
He’ll smile at me, and I’ll smile and nod, then leave him to his paperwork and nightmares.
Tonight I stand in his office doorway and watch him for several minutes before I say my line. He’s reading a report that was faxed in this afternoon, and he’s taking notes in the margin. I can hear the graphite scratch the paper and I wonder why he’s not using a pen.
Finally I take a step toward the desk and he looks up, but he’s not startled. He knew I was standing there the entire time. He smiles. I feel foolish for a moment, but it goes away. “If there is nothing else you need tonight, sir, I’ll be off.”
“All’s good here, Ianto. Have a good night.”
I smile and nod and turn to leave. I’m almost to the gate when I hear my name. I stop and turn and he’s standing in front of his desk with his arms crossed. He’s not smiling anymore.
“May I ask you something before you go?”
I’m frightened by the question. There’s no need to put words to our subtle flirting. To do so would spoil it. I’m angry with him for wanting to bring it up. Yet, I find myself walking back to him. I stand what I hope is a respectable distance in front of him and shove my hands in my pockets. “Yes, sir?”
“Why haven’t you spoken of Lisa?” My breath leaves me and I feel myself sway a little. His hand is on my arm, but his heat doesn’t transfer through my clothes this time. I’m cold. And shaking.
I’m staring at a random spot on his shoulder, and I don’t know how much time passes between his question and my answer. “No one wants to hear about Lisa.”
The space between us is smaller and I don’t know when that happened. “How do you know that?”
“You all killed her.” I’m looking into his eyes now and they are so full of the world. This man has seen so much and been so many things. He tries to hide and keep secrets, but I can see the universe in his eyes. It’s too much for me. My eyes drop to his lips and watch as they speak to me.
“And you’ve been punishing us for that. By not letting us in. You’re a part of the team, Ianto. Don’t ever think that you’re not.”
The strength in my limbs is back. I stand straighter. I don’t fear his eyes. “I don’t need your validation, sir. I‘ll speak of Lisa when the time is right.”
His hand tightens on my arm. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You didn’t, sir. If there’s nothing else--”
Now all I see is his eyes. He is close to me and now I feel his heat. It’s coursing through my body and I don’t know when it started. “How do you do that?” I whisper before I can stop myself.
“Do what?” The warmth of his breath is mixed with mine. My heart is pounding. I know he can hear it.
“Make my emotions turn on a penny, just by saying my name.” He smiles and I feel it rather than see it.
But he doesn’t answer me. Instead he asks, “What else can I make you do by saying your name?” I feel his hand on the back of my head and I tremble. His touch burns me and I’m suddenly afraid. But then I hear his voice again. “Ianto.” And my head falls back and my breath catches.
His lips are hot and on my neck when he says again, “Ianto.” I moan and I’ve forgotten the world. There is just heat and Jack’s legs and hips and stomach are pressing against mine. I feel his fingers in my hair and his arm around my waist.
He gently moves my head forward again and here are his eyes. This time, though, they are focused and black and all I can see is myself.
He says my name again, but now it comes out as a breath and vibrates on my lips. My legs have quit working and I’m floating in Jack’s embrace. I clutch at him to keep from falling away, but I know that he won’t let me go.
My eyes are closed and he’s kissing me so I concentrate on that. Just that. We’ve moved into one another and there is no space between. I don’t know where I end but I’m not lost. I have fallen somewhere and Jack has caught me, and for just a moment I am not alone.
Jack pulls away and I hurt. I hear myself cry out, but I’m not sure if I say anything. He pulls my head down and rests his lips on my forehead. They are wet and they burn. But I don’t mind.
After some time, I take a step backward and the air between us feels solid.
“Ianto,” he whispers again, but I put my fingers to his lips and he stills. I slide my fingers and thumb across his lips and the moisture there is smeared across his cheek as I stroke his face.
I take another step back and our hands fall away from each other. I can’t look into his eyes. I’m not frightened at what I’ll find, I’m scared of what he’ll see in mine. “Good night, Jack.”
I know he watches me walk out.
Tonight, as I lie on my bed with my hand on my bare chest, I try to think of Lisa. I don’t succeed.