Genre: Angst, Gen
Warnings: Infrequent use of coarse language, sexual references, references to CoE, unbetad
Disclaimer: No witty one-liner here. Don't own, probably never will.
Summary: One last goodbye.
When I think about it
I know that I was never there
Or even cared
The more I think about it
The less that I was able to share
I try to reach for you
I can almost feel you
You're nearly here
And then you disappear
~Disappear -- Beyoncé
That’s all we had.
Three years, and only barely.
Three years, and two of those not even really knowing each other at all.
It wasn’t long enough.
Nowhere near long enough.
There was so much more to learn about you, to share with you, to give. So many moments wasted. So many days that I could have been that much kinder, paid that much more attention to you, seen your smile that one more time.
I didn’t think that I would have so little time with you.
I knew that you wouldn’t be around for long. Nobody is, especially if they work for Torchwood. I knew. I just didn’t let myself think about it. I’d lost so many people already. Why think about losing you? You were always there. Taking care of me. Taking care of the team. Always with a cuppa and a sarcastic quip or two at the ready.
We took you for granted because you were efficient and neat and there.
That ingratitude eased as time went on, as you showed us again and again that there was more to you than a hot body in a suit that cleaned. Though you definitely were beautiful in those suits, with the fitted cut that framed your lean -- yet still masculine -- build, and clung to your perfect ass.
In fact, I had even taken to dropping things around the Hub for you to pick up just for a chance to stare. I’m pretty sure you noticed. You would roll your eyes as you bent over, a little smirk twitching at your lips. Even when you began sharing my bed I kept doing it, mostly out of habit. You kept picking up after me, but gave more of a show.
There were so many memories at that Hub. It’s a pile of rubble in a crater now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t remember. I had been living there, pretty much, since before the turn of the 20th century. I’m sure you know…knew that. You knew everything. A lot of the most recent, and the happiest, were with you.
To start out with, it was just sex. For both of us, I’m sure. Could be wrong about that, though. Wouldn’t be the first time, especially when it came to you; I never could quite tell what you were thinking, what you were feeling. Like with Lisa.
You were always hiding. Even when you would arch under me, your eyes dark and warm and blue-gray, your breath coming in short bursts through your open mouth, your skin slick with sweat and other liquids, I never really saw all of you. There were walls that I couldn’t breach inside your head, inside your heart.
And I tried. God, how I tried. I could bring down other barriers around your soul, the small, weak ones. I counted them, each small surrender; letting me see your real smile; our first real date; your hints at a past you weren’t telling; your tears against my shoulder after Tosh and Owen; nights when I stayed at your flat even when we didn’t have sex; my name whispered into the crook of my neck; your hand warm in mine on the street.
Each time you gave me a little more, but not much more. Each time I gave you a little more of myself; but not enough. I wondered, sometimes, if you would ever trust me enough to give me your heart.
You never will, now.
It’s too fucking late.
I was there as your frail body succumbed to the poison.
I watched as your bright eyes faded under the dull haze of death.
I felt your last breath against my lips, in my mouth.
But I still feel as if you’re still here, even though I know you’re not. As if all I have to do is wake up one day and you’ll be beside me, and you’ll smile at me, and it’ll all be okay.
You told me, once, that you’d watch me sleeping. That you’d see me smile even then. You hoped…you hoped that I dreamt of you. You were close.
I smiled because I knew, no matter what I dreamed of; it’d be you that I’d wake up to.
Every morning I wake up and I search the mattress for your warmth that isn’t there, won’t ever be there again. Then the pain hits and I can’t breathe. I feel it choke me, compress my heart and leave me to drown in my own misery.
I’ll cherish your dying kiss for the rest of my existence. I hope one day that I can die, so that whatever afterlife there really is, I can see you there.
Will you be waiting for me?
Would you want to?
It’s my fault that you’re dead. If you had never had known me, would you still be alive? You could have had a family, a wife and children and grey hairs and a life.
Instead you got a broken man who didn’t pay enough attention to you and a job that killed you at 26.
You were just a kid. Still trying to be comfortable in your own skin, to find where you stood in the world.
I think you knew where you stood.
Beside me, right up until the end.
Even as you died my name was on your lips.
I keep running the situation over and over in my head, seeing everything that I had done wrong, and what might have been if I had done things differently. But it’s no help. What’s done is done. Even the Doctor can’t mess with his own timeline; what chance do I have?
So you’re really, really gone. And I have to keep going.
But I’ll keep my promise. I won’t forget you.
As long as I live, I will remember you.
I never said goodbye, did I?
Well, this is it.
Goodbye, my Ianto.
I think I loved you too.
Too late, too late
I never said goodbye
Too late, too late
Can’t even ask you why
And now I’m wasting
Away in my own misery
I hope you’ve finally gone
To a place where you belong
My sadness shows
As your name is carved in stone
Can’t erase the words
So the reality grows
I wish I’d died
On that night right by your side
~A Place Where You Belong—Bullet For My Valentine
|Companion Piece: Ianto's Final Logout |