Title: Ianto's Final Logout
Genre: Angst, gen
Warnings: Barely-there coarse language, references to M/M relationship, unbetad
Disclaimer: I claim nothing.
Summary: Companion piece to Eulogy.
Final Logout Procedure;
Title: Last Message To Jack and Gwen
Date: 3rd August 2009
The Hub is quiet; the faint rustle of Myfanwy in her nest, the hum of the computers, and the tide of his breath are the only things to be heard. His appearance is only slightly less than pristine, but this is glaring obvious to anyone that knew him well enough. Almost ethereally, his features are highlighted by the blue glow of the monitor.
He is decidedly uncomfortable.
I’m dead. Or’ve disappeared off the face of the Earth. Or’ve been retconned back to puberty on the off chance I’ve done something incredibly stupid. Something else, anyway. I still haven’t forgiven myself for what I did for Li—for the Cyberwoman, even though you have. I know it was years ago, but still.
It’s weird think of it like that. Years ago. It’s like something that you’d say, Jack, when talking about something that happened in the twenties. Or the 51st century. Time travellers have the strangest idea of continuity.
I didn’t have that scope of time. I’m turning twenty-six in just over two weeks. My life wasn’t exactly...long.
Sorry, stating the obvious. But I’m sure you’ll be seeing this not long from now, or not at all. I make a new one every two months. Used to be monthly, but... well, I was running out of things to say, and things that I’ve repeated tens of times before get kind of tiring after a while. Maybe this is why this is turning out less...well, less crap than the last one. This one isn’t much better, though. Thought processes don’t turn out as well at four a.m.
I’d make it at a better time, but... it’s not often that you fall asleep, Jack, and it’s less likely that you’ll find out about it now than if I made it when you weren’t. Asleep, I mean. If you found out, you’d probably try to hack it. Don’t deny it; I know you Jack.
An affectionate half-smile quirks his lips. The set of his shoulders begins to soften.
At least, as well as you’ll let me know you. I know... what makes you laugh; what makes you hide; what makes you smirk; what makes you smile that smile. I like that one the best. Starts right at the back of your eyes. You can see it building up long before it actually reaches your lips.
I still don’t want you two to find out about this just yet. Yes, Gwen, you are getting a mention. Try not to faint with shock, but I care about you. You and that “Rhys” bloke that keeps following you around. Take care of each other, alright? Since I’m not around to do it anymore.
The smile slips off his face, regaining the tension he had lost. He licks his lips nervously.
You’ll find out sooner or later, but... I’ve been lying to you. About my family; my past; all that. I just... I’m... I’m sorry. I’m a coward, I know I am. If I wasn’t, then why would I lie to my closest friends? Why would I be so afraid of telling Jack that I love him?
Because I do. I really...do.
Again, I’m sorry, for lying, and hiding, when I promised I wouldn’t. I was scared that, without my... my façade, maybe the person I am won’t... live up to expectations. I suppose that’s my defence mechanism; when vulnerable, talk complete and utter bullshit. Maybe that’s just a general male thing. Even now, even though I’m not even talking to you face to face, I’m afraid to say what I mean.
Well. Better late than never.
What I really want to do, now, is thank you. For everything. After I lost Lisa, I had nothing. I had no home, no friends, no hope; no reason to live. I couldn’t see more to life than just enduring. It was all I was. But you understood that. You knew what it was like. Well, Jack, you did. Gwen, you tried, and that means more than you can know.
When I was alone and hurting, you helped me. All of you. Both of you. After everything, after I betrayed you, almost got you killed -- did get you killed -- you treated me like I was worth something. Like I meant something.
You were constantly there. You’d sit with me, and we’d drink, and talk about nothing for hours on end. I can remember every dinner that we shared, every small gesture. When I needed to be alone, you’d back off. Only a little. No sense of personal space, you lot. It’s more endearing than I ever thought it could be. You gave me a sense of... of normality, in this mad, mad world we live in.
You... I felt...wanted.
I can’t thank you enough for that.
He smiles, small but real.
I loved almost every minute of our last years together. Really. To quote our darling Tosh – I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
And don’t you dare try to take the blame for my death. Whatever it was. I made the choice to be here. Be with you. I could have left at any time, and I didn’t. I know what I wanted, and it was this. You.
And don’t mourn me too long, yeah? Try to remember me, but... keep living. You taught me that there’s more to life than surviving. Don’t be so quick to forget that lesson yourself.
I know that you probably won’t listen to, or obey, that bit. You’re as stubborn as I am.
A more professional look manifests itself suddenly.
Anyway, practical stuff. The paperwork – my death certificate, among other things – are attached to this folder. I’ve dealt with most of it, just fill in the gaps that I didn’t. My lawyer has my Last Will and Testament, and she’ll sort out what goes to whom once the official report of my death has reached her. I’ve also left notes to do with the archives. You, and whoever you hire to replace me, will probably need them, knowing you. And yes, you are going to hire somebody else. You’re not infallible, and even if you were, there’s no possible way that the two of you can handle the Rift on your own.
The mask of the efficient secretary slips away, leaving a more fragile expression.
I couldn’t think of a better person to spend the rest of my life with.
I’m glad it was you.
He looks up suddenly, reacting to a sound that the microphone doesn’t perceive. Turning back, he taps lightly at the keyboard. His next words are almost inaudible.
A smile and blue-grey eyes are the last image as the video ends.